He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
you told grandpa to call you daddy
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
