My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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