Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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