Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
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