last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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