He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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