woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize