I want to have your abortion
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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