Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
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