if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
