seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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