I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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