Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
