where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
