Pants 0. Shit 1.
he shaved USA in his pubs
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
My orgasm happened in two different decades
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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