remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
