How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
