I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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