Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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