Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
