i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize