I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
