I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
where are my eyebrows?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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