Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Randomize
