Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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