WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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