just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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