I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
