please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Randomize
