my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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