felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
