despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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