whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
