she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
