so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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