just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
BRING THE BAGELS
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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