so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
