If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
