I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
PANTIES FOUND
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