I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Randomize
