I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Randomize
