I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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