tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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