his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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