I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
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