he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Randomize
