I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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