i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
