Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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