You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
