It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
