I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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