I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
