Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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