On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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