Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
