My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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